One Simple Wish...

Who really knows the real me?

Last night gave me insight with how I give off a “guarded” vibe to strangers and sometimes that can hinder me from making friends or allow people to get to know me, but I don’t think I should change myself. There is a reason for that, people aren’t ready to know the real me.

Maybe it would help with flirting or getting guys, but that is not my aim. My aim is much higher. If you don’t want to get to know me, it just means you are not worth my time.

If they knew of my experiences and all the hardships I have been through, I don’t think they would be so quick to judge, but instead realize why I have built up such a big wall. I have a hard shell to crack, but that doesn’t make me a bad person. It only means that I cannot let people in easily because I don’t want to get hurt. I have a soft heart that is not able to recover so easily from betrayal or rejection from someone who I have let in and trust. 

I may seem strong on the outside because I have been through a bunch of shit in my life, and it’s still continuing to get harder for me, but on the inside I guess I am just insecure and not able to be someone who I wish I could be. 

I think that as long as I am trying, it means something.

I have such longing to dance my heart out, but I can no longer do things like that anymore =( 

I wonder why one after another I am stricken with health problems…first it was the tumor…now I have ruptured herniated discs on my spine… and my canals are narrowing? What is this -_-

I don’t have a desire to tell others because I don’t want anyone but family to know, but sometimes it’s inevitable. I have to tell others that I can no longer do the things I love. I have to tell them I can’t hang out because I cannot sit longer than 45 minutes when it starts hurting after 20 minutes of sitting. 

I can’t dance, can’t exercise, can’t jump, can’t carry heavy items. I am so restricted by this, I feel like every time I strain myself the pain just gets worse. I’m keeping up with physical therapy and just hope that this pain will not hinder me even more than it already has. 

What hit me even harder was that this sickness tends to recur. It is like a lifelong battle for me to combat this illness.. =’(

I think I deserve to be happy…but I’m not

Not anymore…

I don’t remember when I started having these thoughts…

when I started questioning myself…

when I started questioning life…

Why do I live? For the sake of whom am I living?

Why is it that no matter what I do…I’m not happy?

Why do I not find a meaning in life anymore?

I know there’s a lot out there, and I shouldn’t have these thoughts…but I have really been pushed so far off that I only know how to fall now…